The neuroscience of effective conversation - Part 2

by Sean Hutchinson, RFN Global

In the previous article, I discussed the three brain networks that determine how we interact with ourselves, others and the worlds around us: the default mode network, the salience network and the executive control network. In this one, I explore why a comprehensive understanding of these networks – and how they work – can help advisors engage authentically and productively with business owner clients considering an exit.

The above shows the related effects of reward/motivation/action. The first spike is detection – our salience brain network has become aware. The second spike is action – and in this case the reward of our action exceeds our expectation. The graph shows a monkey’s reaction to receiving a larger than expected portion of delicious juice.

When we link certain actions to reward, we repeat them. Why is this important in human inquiry? These feedback signals help maintain our desire to engage. We will stay in the game.

These chemical responses take less than a second – but even so, we know from our own experiences that we are very aware of these feelings – awareness, anticipation, pleasure, reward – we have all felt the progression as our brain moves through its networks and chemicals interact.

This creates an opportunity for advisors when we understand brain functions and adapt our approach. Trust creates Action and Action creates Trust. It is a virtuous cycle.

At the Exit Planning Institute Summit, I did a live demonstration with its CEO and owner, Chris Snider. Chris is one of the most experienced value accelerators and transition planners in the world and is therefore hard to surprise with engagement questions. We didn’t tell him in advance what the questions would be but we did pre-position our interview as advisor (us) to owner (him).

We started by going back to a key decision in his life: Why did he buy EPI? The question was designed to reconnect him with an exciting time when action and pleasure were clearly connected. It was not a technical question nor did his brain interpret it that way. He responded as expected, happy to be talking about successes and the rewarding journey in front of a large crowd “he couldn’t have imagined” when they began.

He was then asked about what he was most proud of – an intentionally open-ended question. Though we were not necessarily asking about business, he had the option to take that path if he wanted. As it happened, he was most proud of the opportunity to work with his son Scott and see him grow and succeed.

After we talked about these questions for five minutes or so, I asked Chris to tell us what he was feeling in his body and mind as he responded. He told us he was excited; he could feel a shift in his emotions and increase in heart rate and he wanted to tell these stories. Notably, his responses were mostly about family.

If we follow the science in this case, Chris’ salience network – the one that determines which sorts of things tend to be noticed and which fly under the radar – detected something different in the inquiry and began to monitor it. Perhaps he had expected to get straight-forward questions about the business. The types of questions found on our standard questionnaires. As the conversation unfolded however, dopamine and oxytocin were interacting to produce pleasure and trust. The space became safe and worthy. The process of moving toward action had begun. He was in the expectation/reward loop and would have continued to tell meaningful stories for as long as an interviewer continued to ask creative questions that demonstrated authentic curiosity.

Building trust with a client is not just about questioning effectively, it is also about asking quality questions. Here are a couple of Good and Better versions of essentially the same questions. They are designed to elicit materially different levels of engagement.

– Good: Why did you buy the Exit Planning Institute?

– Better: Take us back to the moment when you decided to acquire EPI. What was going through your mind at that point?

– Good: What are EPI’s three most significant accomplishments over the past year?

– Better: Do you have a story about a high point in EPI’s development? Why do you feel so strongly about it?

The four main takeaways for advisors interested in going deeper into the neuroscience of human inquiry are:

1) It is all about the stories: they give us an opportunity to find shared experiences. Think about conversations with your friends – you don’t interrogate or control the boundaries of the conversation with questions that you alone have determined are important. You talk to each other – your stories and respective curiosity about your friend’s, form the basis for a trusting relationship. Any other approach would be selfish and destructive.

Importantly, there is some technique involved. You exhibit curiosity and patience, enthusiasm and authenticity. You create and honor safe space and make a pact with yourself to listen carefully and demonstrate compassion. When you first met and started what would turn out to be your best friendships, these things were harder but as you trust each other more, they become second nature.

It is no different in business. We often cleanse our business discussions of “non-business” related information and this is a mistake – the brain and body respond in ways that block us from getting what we really need to do a good job for the client.

2) There are important distinctions between Discovery and Due Diligence.

a. Data is good – in this case, less is not more. We should seek as much as we can. The typical due diligence approach featuring questionnaires and checklists is okay for what it is – but it is not everything we need.

b. The holy grail of information is “enriched” – the information around the edges of what’s being communicated by the client. This is harder to get and requires patience. You will not get it through standardized questionnaires.

c. Dopamine is absent when the client is bored and in the absence of dopamine, oxytocin is blocked from engendering trust. Without stories to connect us, data collection can be boring (to the owner and the advisor) and will yield less meaningful results.

3) The greatest tool of effective inquiry is, ironically, silence. Be disciplined in your silence, stay present, and let the owner drive the discussion. Indulge them (and yourself) and let them unspool their stories however lavishly they decide. The trust you have worked hard to achieve is rare, precious and fragile and a good advisor should be grateful for the opportunity to know it and evolve. There is really only one story that matters: the client’s and it is remarkably unique and not yours to tell.

4) We cannot scale the human experience. As businesspeople, advisors naturally seek efficiencies – we want our practices to be “scalable.” While reasonable, this desire may seduce us to prioritize time over effort, if we aren’t careful. In doing so, we move away from our goal of getting enriched data from the owner, which emerges only through patience and trust. Remember, as humans we tend to reflect what is presented to us so if you do not engage authentically with the owner, they will not engage with you. In the Discovery process, time is not the enemy – boredom is.